marriage life: it takes two

Dear Luv,

I just wanna scream out loud to the world: I AM MARRIED :)

well, my life has pretty much changed, directly or indirectly, either wanted or not. Don't take it falsly, am happy... very happy. Changes that happened in my life is a positive thing, even the best thing ever.

It takes two to make everything run well. And as many other newly weds, we are so excited to start our marriage life. Wish us joy and strength, for I have to be one of the Sicilian women.


Damn wish you were there to witness the most important step in my life, to see me walk with my beloved.

luv,
-onk-

a game... a life game --inspired by Puzo's The Godfather

Dear Luv,

Apa kabar?

Kamu tahu tidak rasanya berpijak pada sebuah jaring laba-laba? Aku tahu. Apa kamu juga tahu rasanya bermain hide and seek dalam sebuah labirin besar yang asik tapi tidak tahu jalan keluar setelah kamu merasa sangat lelah? Aku juga tahu.

Bagaimana rasanya terlibat dalam sebuah permainan menyenangkan, tapi lama-lama menyesatkan hingga pemainnya lemah lalu mati lemas? I don't wanna know, I just wanna quit the game.

Oh ini bukan apa-apa, aku cuma sedang menonton adaptasi novel The Godfather karya Mario Puzo dan ingin menulis ini. Tapi kamu tahu kan apa yang kumaksud?

luv,

-onk-

:: ontologi absurd di suatu sore ::

...get a star and kill her... (zeke and the popo)


Dear Luv,

Aku sedang ingin menulis, entah kenapa. Aku hanya ingin duduk dan menulis walaupun aku tidak tahu apa yang akan kutulis. Mungkin karena sedang menstrusasi aku cenderung memiliki keinginan yang aneh --berkeinginan keras menulis tanpa tahu apa yang akan ditulis menurutku adalah aneh, padahal ada tumpangan gratis and nyaman ke sistem berjarak 25 kilometer dari sini instead of nunggu 76.

Pertanyaan yang menarik dalam bahasan kuliah filsafat hari ini menggelitikku, sebagaimana dulu sering mengusik dan menjadi bahan yang menarik di sela-sela obrolan bodoh di lorong kampus beratus atau mungkin beribu kilometer dari sini: Apakah Tuhan ada?

Aku tidak bermaksud menjadi murtad dengan membahas eksistensiNya. Hanya sebuah pertanyaan yang "membutuhkan" perenungan, perdebatan hingga peperangan dan pemusnahan ras untuk menelisik jawabannya.

Baiklah, secara agama Tuhan itu ada, lalu bagaimana membuktikannya? Dan kemudian apakah perlu dibuktikan? Seperti batu yang akhirnya menjadi bintang, mengingkari bahwa mataharilah yang membuatnya bersinar.

Kekuatan sugesti yang besar di mana manusia yang lemah mencari kesempurnaan dan sandaran, mungkin sebuah jawaban yang tidak religius sama sekali. Tetapi, relasi personal dan pengalaman pribadi yang sulit diungkapkan melalui kata-kata adalah jawaban dari pertanyaan sederhana itu. Bagiku.

Dan aku percaya Tuhan itu ada, meskipun aku dapat memanggilNya, merasakanNya, berbincang denganNya dan mencintaiNya tidak selalu menggunakan kata Tuhan atau pernik rupa tata cara ibadah atau apapun yang dituliskan dalam kitab suci. Jangan pernah bertanya: Siapa Tuhanmu? karena Tuhanku adalah Tuhanmu yang tidak dapat didefinisikan dengan kata-kata dan tak tertangkap dengan logika. Aku rasa demikian.


... dalam sebuah sistem yang absurd aku meraba dan mencari jalan keluar... atau mungkin aku sudah di luar?


luv,
-onk-

am I lucky or simply deserve it?

Dear Luv,

As am sitting in this building, I realize that am part of a system, an educational system, a high educational system. As am sitting in this building and using its free and wireless internet access, I realize that am part of a high-cost educational system. Am I lucky or I deserve it?

Ada dua perbedaan besar antara being lucky dan deserve it yang seringkali tidak dianggap orang sebagai suatu masalah. Bagiku itu adalah sebuah masalah. I am lucky, karena aku punya kesempatan dan akses untuk duduk dan terlibat dalam sistem ini. I deserve it, karena aku berjuang keras untuk berada dan terlibat di sini. Lalu di mana masalahnya?

Bagi jutaan manusia berkualitas lainnya yang tidak seberuntung aku meskipun mereka deserve to be here, ini adalah sebuah masalah. Bukan suatu kesalahan kodrati ketika seseorang tidak memiliki keberuntungan meskipun mereka layak mendapatkannya. Ada sebuah sistem yang salah di sini. Ada sebuah sistem yang memunculkan jarak dan dinding pembatas yang kokoh. Ada sebuah sistem yang menghalangi kelancaran arus "keberuntungan dan kelayakan". Dan sistem itu harus diruntuhkan.

... dan aku merenung bersama mereka yang lucky enough to be here without knowing why we are damn lucky sambil menunggu 76 membawaku pulang ke sebuah sistem yang lain.


luv,
-onk-

di suatu senja...

Di suatu senja aku duduk menanti angin.

Di atas kursi tua di teras rumah, di suatu senja.

Dear Luv,

It's been a while, well many things have happened. Dku udah pindah ke Jakarta, eventually. Lagi menyesuaikan dengan ibukota yang aneh banget ini. Sumpah, Nias is better than Jakarta, dunno why. Dan aku melakukan kesalahan dengan booking kamar kost yang salah hehehew...

Kuliah is fun. Temen-temen asik, well awalnya ada perdebatan soal jam kuliah --which is akhirnya membuatku kehilangan duit 350rbu, crap!-- namun akhirnya disepakati dengan baik dan benar --namun merugikanku. Dosen-dosennya hebat-hebat. Aku betul-betul beruntung bisa termasuk dalam sebuah ruang diskusi yang menyenangkan, menegangkan, menggugah selera berpikir dan well... serasa ingin berbuat sesuatu. See, my life is my journey and thus action is part of my journey, right?

Aaanyway... I put his pictures for you, so you'll know whom I love and will live with :)

Aku duduk di atas kursi tua di teras rumah menanti angin, di suatu senja.

luv,

-onk-

nothing else matters

Dear Luv,

You know that I really... really love this song. And guess what, we plan to have this song as soundtrack of our wedding vow. Am proposing Alec to play the guitar, wish me luck :)
Please listen to this and tell me what you think.

Song lyrics | Nothing Else Matters lyrics

me & bangun pagi :(

Dear Luv,

Gara-gara kesiangan pagi ini dku gak jadi nemui Romo Wi, hiks... Gimana sih caranya biar bisa bangun pagi?

For me, bangun pagi emang hal yg paling susah utk dilakukan --well, banyak sih hal laen yg lebih susah dilakukan, such as fly--- taaaapii... bangun pagi for me and some other people emang such an activity yg menyebalkan. Sebenernya apa sih alasan klo males bangun pagi?
- dingin, bikin sakit perut
- ngantukzzz....
- etc...etc...

Bangun pagi is needed anyhow, kayak hari ini misalnya, harusnya udah ketemu sama Romo Wi, jd tertunda. Pdhal klo udah kelar urusannya today kan nyicil lega, actually.

Oh well, gotta back to work.
selamat mencoba bangun pagi guys, luv

-onk-

pindah tempat lagee... (aaarrgh...!) #2

Dear Luv,

How's life there?
Masihkah mencari bintang yang dulu pernah kau tunjuk? Dingin angin lautmu apakah sama dengan yang dulu pernah membawaku padamu?

Hmm... Jogja udah mulai basah, yup... hujan pertama di musim ini. Kalau Jogja udah hujan gini jadi males mau pergi. Jadi enggak semangat mau keluar dari kota ini. Jogja emang nyaman, secara lahir dan besar disini, for me gak ada kota lain yang lebih nyaman dari Jogja.

Sebenernya pindah ke kota lain emang asik, awalnya. It's a challenge. Tapi berat. Yes it is, undeniably. Adaptasi lagi, kenalan sama kanan-kiri-atas-bawah lagi. Mulai dari menyesuaikan dengan pilihan transport dan makanan yg ditawarkan sampai ke gaya bicara dan busana [ehm... busana]. Buatku yg paling berat adalah bahasa. Oh it's damn hard when you're in a place where you know nothing about its language. Masih mending kalau hurufnya latin, nah kalau huruf yunani or thailand or japanese or other form of letters that we couldn't even differentiate one from each other... it's disaster. Yup, I've been there, so I know what am talking about here. It was frustating when I completely lost in translation.

One question: what do you do when you're in such situation?
Kalau aku sih, bermodal peta setempat dan bahasa tarzan seadanya bertanya sana-sini hehehew... it helped so far, but sometimes it just went wrong :D

Speaking of pindah ke kota laen --or perhaps ke negara laen-- dengan ini kuumumkan bahwasanya dku jd mo pindah ke Ibukota teretettetetett...! Oh well, smua akan baik-baik saja. Meskipun aku tau, pindah ke Jakarta is completely different from moving to Nias or other remote places. Aku sih lebih memilih utk pindah ke remote areas, to be frankly.

Aaanyway, secara maya, aku masih di sini, menapaki jalan yang sama, namun tidak sendirian. Aku dulu selalu berpikir untuk pergi, you know what, it's hard. No matter how far I go, aku selalu kembali. Perhaps so you can find me again, so you'll see me that am fine now.


Alrite, gotta split now, need to walk this road...
luv,
-onk-

heading to the altar... #2: mapping the plan [thanks to mindmap]

Dear Luv,

Hope this letter finds you fit and fine.

I knew that preparing a wedding is tiring, I just never thought it could be this hard, mentally rather than physically. So many... too many wishes, opinions, ideas and finally... arguments.

I used to dream to have wedding with unique and pretty details, this and that and bla-bla-bla... but now, when I am planning and preparing my own wedding many parts of that dream fade away and less important than the marriage itself.

Yes, from wedding I go to marriage. Wedding last for 2 to 3 days, and perhaps more in some cultures, but marriage --for me-- will last forever, which is quite scary actually. Imagine that you'll live with the same person for the rest of your life. You'll wake and sleep by her side. You'll see her oily face and sweat smell body in her just-wake-up mode every morning, you'll experience her ups and downs, you'll witness and have to deal with her bad side and her most unacceptable behaviors. OMG! I have to stop this or else I'll cancel my wedding haha...

I have 3 months left and I haven't completed the series of important preparation. I even haven't prepared my gown. For some brides to be, it means suicide. I guess beside getting married am also getting crazy :( oh well, everything will be okay in the end if it's not okay it's not the end.

Things that are done:
1. tuxedo for the groom to be (must take it after 17 August and send it to groom to be for fitting)
2. booking bridal (haven't pay the downpayment though, must do it soon)
3. browse some photos vendors (got a place, nego the price please!)
4. have fixed plan for the reception place (finally! must book and pay downpayment asap)
5. administrative almost done, targetted to be done this week (a must!)
Uurgh crap! Still have so much to do! How many days do I still have?

You know what, many friends are now calmer after pretty shocked with my engagement and getting married news. They get used to it somehow.

FYI, I make mindmap for my wedding project, and amazingly it helps. You may borrow mine when your time to plan your wedding come. Believe me, you'll need it badly.

Alrite, gotta split now. Gonna find the way out otherwise I'll get lost in one of the branches of wedding project in my mindmap.

luv,
-onk-

heading to the altar... #1: engagement.

Dear Luv,

How's life?
It's been months since our last conversation. I miss you, you know. I've got many things to tell, so many... too many. I kinda lost in my own world, without you.

I've told you that am preparing a wedding, haven't I? I am preparing now. And am engaged now. Oh yes I do. It was on July 16, 2008. It wasn't planned but then Dad popped the words and we did it. It was a simple engagement event. A short talks and prayers from the folks, and then the rings came and then talks and prayers again, and dinner (it was delicious), and the photos time and that was it. And now, am engaged.

Amazing, isn't it? Me go to the altar, next November. Can you picture me wearing wedding dress and walking down the isle heading to someone else but you? Before I met him, I couldn't. But now, yes I can, for I believe that he is the one.

Gosh! I need you now, help me drawing a scene of my wedding. Play the guitar for me, once again for the last time on my wedding day, let it be my last memory of you before I swear to God to be his. Play me the music... music of my heart to calm my panic and restlesness for I haven't familiar yet with his beat, until then let yours be mine still.

... as if am walking down a labyrinth of my own mind...
luv,
-onk-

planning a wedding !

Dear Luv,

We're planning a wedding !!!

OMG, a wedding !!!

can't believe am walking this far. OMG. OMG. OMG !!!

hehehehe... am happy, so please be happy for me. And remember, whoever I love, I love you still --in a very... very... different way :p

Well, I love him, he loves me and nothing else matters, right? Wait 'till end of July and I'll let you know when it's gonna be held ;)

in hilarious excitement, I wanna scream out loud and thanking the Lord for his marvelous blessing.

luv,

-onk-

need an anger management

Dear Luv,

I failed, you know. I failed in controlling my anger. I need anger management lesson.

I was exploding when one of my colleagues devastated thing that I fight for. He stabbed my back. What did you expect me to do?

I feel lost in the war that I created. I think am a loser. What do you think?

wish I can manage my anger better.

luv,

-onk-

gimme time to make peace with myself, please...

Dear Luv,

How's life there? Have you had fun?
I have fun here. Am happy for I have found my prince of charming, he'll the one to be by my side for the rest of my life, hopefully.

However am in anger, to myself. So I need time to make peace with myself. Part of me insisted to keep the ego, other part told me to let go. I'm in my own war. All I need is run to a place where I can scream outloud and meet you there to simply hear your saying 'hey'. Will he understand this the way you understand me? I'm afraid to keep searching for your broken smile in his. I'm scared of my own choice, for the first time of my life I fight against my own dream. And I miss you badly. I want to tell you what's going on in my mind and be in your big warm hug, settle me and calm me.

If to have him means bading adieu to the dream that I've raised for these ten fuckin' years, I'll do, I'll say goodbye to the dream. Just gimme time to make peace with myself. And I need some other sentimental things to help me letting go of that dream. Hell yes you knew what it is. It's the dream that I used to share with you. All I want in life is go to school and wandering Indonesia. And after all is said and done, I'll come home and settle. Is it to difficult to ask for?

If I have my last chance to go out and walk the path I used to dream of, I'll do that without leaving him. But I need, damn need his smile. I can't do this alone, for God sake, I can't for I have settled my heart in his.


still figure everything out...
luv,
-onk-

grow up (?)

Dear Luv,

Howdy?
I don't wanna grow up. You knew it well. But today, I realize something, I have to grow up.

I fall in love with him, the way I fell in love with you years ago --and I love you still, apparently. He doesn't ask me to grow up, but I have to. He said I don't have to, but I know I have to for the choice I chose.

Well maybe it's about the time. It's him who made me tell myself to change, though he doesn't change me. It's him, not you. I don't say it's easy. It's damn hard for me to get my ass out of my childhood world.

Now I walk out to neverland...
luv,
-onk-

confession of a broken mind #2

Dear Luv,

Gunungsitoli lagi mendung nih, smoga ujan soalnya udah 2 minggu enggak hujan, persediaan air udah abis dan kami terpaksa beli dari PDAM, water trucking.

Tadi malam baru aja balik dari Lahewa, di sana sempat memainkan hobi lama yg udah lama gak kulakukan: memainkan emosi orang hahaha... I did some sweet revenge to some folks that deserved a lesson about little life stuffs. Oh well, it’s not important to be told here. I did it for friends anyway.

Sebentar lagi kami pulang dari Nias, hmm... klo liat anak2 pada packing gini rasanya sedih juga. Bukannya enggak kerasa, kerasa banget malah, 8 bulan di Nias sungguh unutterable experience. Bitter sweet stuffs blend in one place. Banyak yang udah terjadi di Nias, ya seneng ya sedih ya smua-muanya.

Oh ya, my relationship with my sunshine has finally ended. No don't worry, it was clean, neat and easy. After had contemplation and fermentation with cointreau and red label I decided to give in. I finally able to call him and spilled the beans (when cointreau didn't help, try red label). We did not walk the path better. We simply walked in different paths and got far from each other even more. Am fine, we’re fine. We knew we’d get to this point someday—which was that day. We finally departed through different terminals on different flights, we’re on the way to find our soulmates.

Do you remember the new guy to whom I fall in love recently? Yes, I'm with him now. I know it's so sudden, but hey, maybe this is it. And yes, I've told my Mum and Dad, and they're happy for he is a Catholic. Hmm... I hate to admit this, but for them religion matters. That night, when he kissed me and asked me and I said yes, somehow I knew that I can't kill the feeling inside. That's it. Keep it simple stupid and everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay then it's not the end. Oh well yes, Red involved :D

All I know now is that I love him, he loves me, our parents agree and we will walk this path together. We don't want to run or put high expectation, as Onggo said: hope will reduce joy, we simply go where the heart says so. We flow but not drowned.

Oh Luv, if only you were here to gimme some hug :) I miss your broken smile badly.

No matter who I love, I love you still.

luv,

-onk-

confession of a broken mind #1

Dear Luv,

I was just celebrating my 27th birthday last May 26. I celebrated it with 3 bars of dark chocolate and a bottle of Cointreau. Yes, you read it well, Cointreau. Awesome, isn’t? I sipped it with some folks here.

But then, the Cointreau made me think about something that is bothering my life these days. So I wanna make a confession of what’s going on in my mind:
1. Feel like I wanna let my sunshine go
2. Feel like I fall in love with someone much older
Oh yes, you read it correctly.

So yesterday morning I called my sunshine to ask about our relationship, and it was not going as I expected. He was so sweet, damn nice. How could I break his mood then?

I spend observing the new guy then these days. Is he the one? If I'm pretty sure that my sunshine is not the one, then why I kinda have the feeling that this new guy is the one? Or it's just another lots like love? Will I hear the click sound this time?

OMG if yes. This new guy is about 10 years older than me. He is not that handsome or as cute as my sunshine. He is not as smart as I expected, smarter than my sunshine though. He is modest. He is so usual and ordinary. Yet I am amazed by his charm. I saw him differently. I saw silliness behind his silence and cold manner, his childhood side, which then I adore.

Do I have the guts to continue this feeling or simply enjoy and kill it?
I'm not worry about my sunshine, for we can't save our love, or maybe we have no love after all. We don't walk the path better nor together. And maybe it's about the time to give in. I don't feel sorry, I have nothing to regret. Everything is just beautiful as it is.


What do you think, Luv? What should I do?
luv,
-onk-

old memories... happy birthday to me!

Dear Luv,

It's May 25 and tomorrow will be my birthday. Well yes, am still in Nias instead of back home as what I've planned. But hey, maybe there'll be something good of being here on my birthday.

I wrote a reflection poem last three years, or it was last two years? oh well, here's the piece:

Sahabatku,

Pagi ini dku bangun dan menangis. Sungguh awal yang buruk untuk sebuah hari ulang tahun.
Tapi demi waktu yang berlalu dan kisah-kisah yang telah lewat, kesedihan pun hadir.
Album foto yang usang menyimpan sedikit saja kenangan,kesedihan untuk yang terlupakan dan kan hilang
Kesedihan untuk wajah-wajah lama dan akrab namun pelahan memudar.
Pita-pita kaset rekaman suara masa lalu mulai bernada sumbang... kesedihan untuk yang tak lagi terdengar
Kesedihan untuk tawa ceria dan sumpah serapah yang tak sempat terekam.
Mawar merah kado dari masa lalu di sudut meja kamar telah kaku menghitam... kesedihan untuk hutang lama yang beku di dasar hati
Kesedihan untuk setiap kata-kata yang tak sempat terucap
Kesedihan untuk setiap perbuatan yang tak kunjung dilakukan
... dan kini semua telah terlambat.
Kesedihan untuk penyesalan yang sia-sia
Kesedihan untuk setiap momen ganjil yang pernah terjadi namun tak sempat menangkap maknanya

Pagi ini aku menyadari bahwa pada akhirnya jiwa kanak-kanak itu pun akan semakin tak tersentuh.
Harga yang mahal untuk kedewasaan yang bagiku semu.
Karena aku memang tak pernah mau dewasa.
Namun karena kalian, aku belajar...
Bersama kalian, aku belajar tentang dunia asing ini dan hal-hal ajaib yang menyertainya

Kekonyolan demi kekonyolan yang kulakukan bersama kalian mungkin akan terlupa, namun keceriaanku ini berawal dari sana
Perih luka yang kubuat bersama kalian mungkin telah sembuh, namun bekasnya masih melekat di tubuh dan jiwaku
Segala nasehat kalian mungkin tidak semua kuingat, namun tanpanya aku takkan jadi seperti ini
Banyaknya pertentangan dan perdebatan dengan kalian pastilah menyakitkan, namun dengan itu aku belajar menjadi berani
Kesalahan demi kesalahan tentu saja menjengkelkan, namun dari situ aku belajar untuk minta maaf
Kebodohan dan ketololan buatku jujur, memang aku tidak sempurna dan masih harus terus belajar dan berkembang
... bersama kalian kah? Mungkin tidak. Karena suatu saat pun kalian akan berlalu. Namun jika masih ada kesempatan, maka bolehlah rajutan ini diteruskan, sampai bola benang yang terakhir.

Pada hari ini...
Ketika ucapan dan peluk hangat telah kuterima, aku pun tersenyum.
Menyadari bahwa semua harus terjadi.
Yang hilang takkan tergantikan dan yang datang tak mungkin menggantikan
Begitupun kebahagiaan memiliki kalian, takkan menggantikan kesedihan kehilangan mereka
Dan kesedihan tiadanya mereka takkan bisa mengusik kebahagiaan adanya kalian
Setiap hal memiliki peran
Setiap momen memiliki makna
Setiap detiknya memiliki arti
Membentukku disana-sini, menambahkan rasa untuk cita dan cinta
Adalah keajaiban, memiliki keduanya. (sometimes miracle just doesn't work, so I changed into: Adalah berkat, memiliki keduanya.)
Terberkatilah aku yang memiliki banyak pilar 'tuk bersandar, dan pilar-pilar itu adalah kalian.

Untuk semua sahabat hidupku, terima kasih atas 24 tahun (hmm... it's xx years old now :D ) yang takkan bisa kulewati tanpa kalian.

Peluk sayang,
-onk-


Well I guess for the sake of old memories I put it here for you. Will I spend another year in my life to love you still?

luv,
-onk-

re-thinking about Bangkok: it's not just another-big-city anymore :)

Dear Luv,

It's been a while, isn't? Oh well, I am missing you, but hey, I'll over it.

I was just thinkin' about Bangkok as Lindo texted me to announce her safely arrival in Jogja after a week in that 'another-big-city'. She told me of leaving someone in Bangkok. Beth once told me she left the smile of being flattered by a stranger there, but she brought the memory back home. Me? I was dragged out of the dorm with my running nose to streets of Bangkok by Stephane, a playful handsome French, just to left me with the crowd in Siam Square. I didn't complaint, it was him who made me seen the real Bangkok instead of a poor view from the balcony of my room in 4th floor.

You know, Bangkok is lovely actually, well yeah, for me it's just another big city until this afternoon, but tonight, on my second thought, despite my cold when I was there, I enjoyed the sadly romantic nuance, to be honest. Sadly yes, because neither you or him were there. period.

As I was walking down the streets of Silom, browsing stuffs in Suan Lum, joining the crowd in Siam Square or tasting local foods sold by vendors along the streets or in a open-air food court, I felt I was a bohemian. The freedom of walking in such warm nights, wearing clothes that represents of who you are and nobody would protest it, kissing the air of... I don't know, sinfully delightful living art? I am talking about its fashion, hair cut, foods, people, streets, subway, skytrain, malls, language, religion, prostitute... and many more, blend in one place. And I just realize, Bangkok is not just another-big-city anymore.


... and as the memory of Victory Monument's dazzling display that I viewed from the skytrain windows returns, I'm dreaming of us walking down the streets of Bangkok...

luv,
-onk-


ps: I should have taken photos of Bangkok. I didn't because of that damn cold kicked away my mood. Crap! Oh don't you dare to laugh.

lost in translation #2

Dear Luv,

I once again got into a 'lost translation'. Our procurement team, consists of finance, logistician and purchase officer --Bataknese and Javanese persons, tried to figure what is a sothil or in English we called it stir out for the sake of an official purchase order.

So I texted and asked Vader 13 only to receive asnwer, "udh nanya ga da y tahu. kl di Medan namanya serokan,kl versi co y ga pnh msh (masuk, red) dapur saringan"

"Haha... that's funny. Btw what's it in Engl?" asked I then

"Fish-slice,kl sendok sayur ladle,saringan (jeruk,kopi)strainer.. weh ada gunanya bw modul MLW (My Little World, tempat dulu Vader 13 pernah berbakti pada anak-anak sebagai guru TK, red)

"Hehe.. I shoud have bought Disney's picture dictinry, shouldn't I? Thx, now I'll find terjemahannya di intnet. Crazy way to find Indo word by an Indonesian" texted I

"It is now officialy announced tht u, I, my two friends, n tht procurement team who created ths mess at first, fail d first test f being Indonesian" replied her.

"Yes, exactly my dear. Shall we start browsing new country?" cynical reply by me.

"And it's all because f tht silly sothil, hey if it was a real test, hw many f total population f our country'd b xtradited. m sure none f my famly'd be able 2 answer t"

"True! Damn sothil"


#end of discussion about sothil#


did we ever lost in translation regarding our relationship, Luv?
luv,
-onk-

why do I fall in love with you? #2

Dear Luv,

I have been thinking again...
I was crying when you dumped me, yes you did it honey, but I didn't feel so bad when he dumped me. I felt sorry for myself, for not able to have healthy relationship, but I didn't even cry.
I was happy than ever when we rebuild our friendship, I couldn't be happier that time, even happier than when we, he and I rebuild our relationship.
And now you broke my heart, again, for leaving for a cruise. I miss you, as always, and never thought, after these years, that I'm still sad whenever you are far from my world.

Maybe Vader 13 was right after all, I need to see a shrink.

###

This is Saturday and I feel like I don't wanna do any work :) I spent this morning reading Sophie Kinsella's Can You Keep a Secret? It's a good chicklit. Even though almost all chicklits tell happy-ending-story, they also tell you that nobody's perfect. And yes, we do did some beautiful mistakes and have some dirty little secrets.


Still thinking what the hell I am doing...
luv,
-onk-

a girl name Niar and her Cucumbers, Limes and Bananas

Dear Luv,

I was just bought a cluster banana and 3 limes, they are fresh and smell so good. A girl name Niar has just came to my office to have shed from rain. She was wet, cold and shiver. She brought her bike to our front porch. Her bike has a basket in which she put two clusters banana and many cucumbers and lemons. She is a fruit seller.

Aku : pakailah (kusodorkan handuk bersih)
Niar : (menggeleng) tidak usah kak
Pak Jum : ambil ini (menyodorkan handuk berwarna shocking pink dgn ukuran lebih kecil daripada yg kusodorkan)
Mas Rudi : ambil, nanti sakit
Niar : (menerima handuk) terima kasih
Rudi : di mana rumahmu?
Niar : Moawo
Bang Nalon : waah jauh itu, naik ke bukit-bukit sana. Kalau pas mo ke rumah sepedamu dituntun kan?
Niar : maksudnya?
Pak Jum : disorong?
Niar : iya dipegang aja, menanjak
Aku : kelas berapa?
Niar : enggak sekolah
Kami : oo… (bersamaan)
Aku : terakhir kelas berapa?
Niar : lima
Bang Nalon : Apa kerja bapakmu?
Niar : Gak ada
Bang Nalon : Ibumu?
Niar : Jaga adik
Mas Rudi : Berapa bersaudara kalian?
Niar : 5, aku yang pertama, adikku 4

After she went mas Rudi told me that she was shiver due to rain and her crying. Why? Because she has just lost her money. She was selling her fruits and then rain was falling heavily and she fled for shed and dropped the money. She was afraid of returning home because she was supposed to buy some rice with the money, it was Rp.20.000,- so mas Rudi gave her the same amount of money so she could stop crying and smile again. Ah, that was why she was so pale, I thought it was because of the cold. And it's true, she was prettier when smiling.

Twenty thousands rupiah can do so much for her and her family, how much is it for us? a cup of frappucino and a cup of lemon tea that we used to sip? a pack of your cigar? a bar of my dark chocolate? hmm...


luv,
-onk-

why do I fall in love with you? #1

Dear Luv,

A short conversation with a friend few weeks ago is bothering me until now, so I decided to ask for your opinion.

teman : Kenapa coba kamu selalu terlibat dengan pacaran beda agama?
aku : I don't know. My love has nothing to do with religion
teman : Really? But have you ever attracted to someone in the same religion?
aku : mm... nope (big grin). Hey look, cowok itu cakep (menunjuk ke cowok yang lewat di depan kost teman)
teman : See, kamu selalu tertarik pada cowok-cowok yang abis pulang dari Masjid.
aku : (menatap teman dengan tatapan paling innocent yang kupunya) what? I didn't know about where he was arriving from. I didn't know that!
teman : sudahlah. (menghela napas lalu masuk ke dalam)
aku : bukan salahku kalau aku tertarik pada cowok-cowok yang rajin Sholat, mereka selalu kelihatan fresh dan bersih.

Para pria yang beragama Islam, catat ini baik-baik, kalian sungguh tampak jauh lebih tampan pada saat-saat setelah selesai menjalankan Ibadah!

Ahh mungkin itu sebabnya aku terlibat denganmu dulu dan dengannya saat ini. What d'ya think? Oohh, trust me, you're not as adorable as what you think Luv.


still thinkin' about what the hell I am doing...
luv,
-onk-

some pictures taken during the trip to Pulau Asu

:: flawless beauty ::

I was amazed with its white sand and blue sea. If only I have under water camera (and yes, if only I can dive :p ), I would have taken the pictures of coral reefs that lay peacefully and form a kingdom of fish.

:: Panda and the Sunset ::
He was acting like albatros, landing under the big orange ball whom tenderly set at west.







:: 'till dusk ::
We were sitting on the rocks bed that spread along the west coast of Pulau Asu while waiting for the sunset. We were amazed by the dusk that slowly approaching.










Wish you were there, enjoying that magnificent views with me...

luv,
-onk-

last weekend route: sirombu-hinako-bawa-...-himana-sirombu-pulau asu!

Dear Luv,

After 7 hours on the boat, it was a small boat of Pulau 8, I finally stepped my foot on Pulau Asu's white sand.

A week before:

Monday afternoon suddenly Ambyar came into the office with a big smile. His skin has got darker than when we met him previously in Saturday. I asked him in envy, "how's it?".

Ambyar answered (his smile was even wider), "Pulau Asu is not good, it is very good or even better hahaha...". Listened to his answer, Panda, Tinces and I determined to go. "My pride won't allowed to be left behind. I must reach that place", said Tinces.

...

It was a very hot Saturday afternoon, exactly 1.30 p.m when Tinces and I were walking to the Sirombu beach where the boats were docked. My heart beat fast as I saw the boat that would take me to Pulau Asu. The flawless island as said by Ambyar. I never like to ride on a boat, for I could not swim that good.

The sea was calm as I expected. Thank God. We went through some small islands to get other passengers. The boat was a transportation boat from one island to the others, in total there are 8 islands and Pulau Asu is the last destination. My heart beat was calmer as I saw the crew of the boat, they seemed know what they were doing, so I was relieved and I let the dymenhydrinat worked well, I fell asleep almost all the time.

The afternoon sun heat woke me up from my half-sleep (in Nias, the sun set at 6-30 to 7 p.m.). My sense got back in quick as I amazed by coral reefs below the water. I was enjoying the view of Pulau Himana when suddenly Vini, the captain of the boat came to us (Tinces and I) and apologized, "the daughters of the owner of this boat need to go to Pulau Asu as well", said he. Tinces smiled and I still didn't catch. So? Vini explanation has brought light nausea to my belly, "we have to go back to Sirombu to pick them up". What a ...?! It was 5.30 p.m. and I hadn't had my lunch and had been 3.5 hours on board and only 30 minutes away from Pulau Asu yet he told us that we needed to return to Sirombu, exactly to the same place from where we departed. "Oh well, we are in a 'wisata bahari' anyway", remarked Tinces and I had no choice than agreed upon her opinion.

Panda and Buyung were out for fishing when we got there, it was about 8.30 p.m. and we rushed to the warung to get some dinner. At exactly 12 p.m the light was out and I went into the room. Panda and Buyung were still on the sea, fishing. I met them when the dawn broke. They told me that they had many catches but left them to the fishermen with whom they gone fishing. We spent the whole sunday walking along the coast, took pictures and I played volleyball with Buyung --from which I got my right thumb injured and it is swelling until this second. The journey was closed by sunset, the most beautiful sunset I've ever shot :)

And we were not alone, some surfers were enjoying their waves under the big orange sun that tenderly set at west. Pulau Asu is said to be Indonesia's third best place for surfing. No wonder if many surfers, mostly foreigners named this island as hidden paradise. Brazillian surfers even have a club namely Gansgter Paradise in this small island. Pulau Asu's best times was in 1997 to 1999, when so many surfers and backpackers came throughout the years. Two bungalows are owned by Belgians, one of which is on sale now. Some others are belong to locales, which are cheaper yet comfortable.

Pulau Asu is indeed flawless. It's more than words can say, for me. I was startled with its white sand, the whitest sand I've ever seen. So there I was, chased the sun until the very west of Nias Islands. Pulau Asu is located at the western part of Pulau Nias, it is not the farthest but the very west island among the other islands in Nias. The farthest island is Pulau Telo, it takes more than 6 hours by boat or 60 minutes by small plane. Pulau Telo is situated at the southest part of Nias Islands at the border to West Sumatera.

In our inn, we met some policemen, they were having "high tension" discussion with a tourist and his guide. We didn't know what happen until one of the fishermen told us. There were some immigration and administration problems. Oh well, some shit bureaucracy sometimes hinders tourism in many Indonesia's hot spots. While negotiation run, the sea got darker as the night fell. The lights sparked from many spots of fishermen boats and tourist's yacht.

The sun had set on so our journey must end. On Monday morning, a few minutes after the dawn broke, we got on the boat and sailed to Sirombu. We followed "almost" the same route as when we came. Island to island, the view was awesome. The sea was again calm. The wind sang its lullaby and dymenhydrinat was never failed me, kicked away the nausea.

The journey will be continued to other island, to where I will chase my sunshine.

wish you were with me, witnessing the sun set on the very west of these Islands...

luv,

-onk-

adieu luv, chase the dreams!

Dear Luv,

I have kissed you goodbye for thousands times, emotionally. But today is the day that I must really say goodbye to you... literally. Your departure is today. Then go my love, chase the dreams. For I have departed, am chasing mine too. Have a safe trip. Maybe someday in some other time, my life will run accross yours. At any time, you can always find me writing these letters, for I will never let you go.

with sadness adieu, I watched you fade away...


luv,
-onk-

the worst place on earth? tell me about it...

Dear Luv,

I was just browsing lonely planet site, and I kinda surprised with what I've found there. And add to my surprise, I kinda agree with what people posted there :D

The site's page was discussing about the worst place in the world they've ever been. To my surprise, some of which I must totally agree, can't help it.

Medan is mentioned and Nias... gosh! . And... some friends immediately adding Nias also, responding my status in yahoo messenger. Nias undeniably has unique nature beauty, but some locales' ... their characters frustrated you to death. Don't take it wrong, I love this island, I love its natural beauty e.g. beaches, hills, traditional houses and stuffs. I have great times here... but sometimes it drives me crazy to be among stubborn fellows and hard characters of locales. Meskipun ada yg bilang: Sibolga is the worst and Nias is heaven after purgatory :D

Medan, aahh I never really get the beat. It's just an unfriendly city for me. I almost always got sick after returning from Medan. The loudly-speaking people, awful traffic, air pollution... oh well, I must agree that Medan is one of shit-holes in my beautiful world. My deep apology, thousands of apologizes for all folks and friends there, I must say sorry, but really-truly I can't stand not to agree upon their opinion.

Bangkok, hmm... I don't like that city since the beginning. For me, Bangkok is just another big-crowded-polluted city, almost like Jakarta. Still... I had good time when I was there :)

Batam, I just can't find anything good there, for I stay only in few days.

Among all postings, I found the funniest one:

Re: THE WORST PLACE IN THE WORLD!%**????????

From where I've been so far, I'd have to say Tangier, Morocco as well. "Hey buddy, you wanna guide/smoke/get high/girl/my sister/me?" Uh, no...

I never been to Morocco, but reading the posting I understand why he/she pissed-off.

And you know what, as what you've suggested long ago, I wanna start writing reviews on places I've visited :D

Alrite, wanna start recollecting, hahaha...

luv,

-onk-

Godspeed sist!

Dear Luv,

Hujan masih turun, hmm... I think it's a good sign. Hujan akan membasuh rinduku and keep me warm. Aku sudah pada titik tidak peduli. Kalau memang sampai di sini ya sudah, I'll ask no more. Hidup tetap indah seperti adanya. Like what I've said to the world, if he's good enough for me then he'll stay. Someday there'll be one prince charming that is meant to be mine.

Oh by the way, I have a good news. Lindo will defend her thesis tomorrow... eventually. It's great, isn't? Oh am so happy. And I believe all folks are joining this happiness too hehehw... Godspeed sist!

Barusan Txa texted me, katanya internet providernya lg error, hmm... no chat with her tonight then. Padahal dku pengen tau apa tanggapannya tentang kado ultahnya dariku hehehw... eh udah dia terima blm ya? hmm...

Have I told you about the posters I made? Am done 2, kurang satu lagi. Fiuh! Mau dipasang di baliho buat gantiin AIDS campaign yang udah nampang sejak December lalu. Kasian penduduk Gunungsitoli pasti udah bosen abis liatnya hehehw... makanya demi pemandangan mereka rada fresh, kami bikinkan new campaign materials, still on health though.

hmm... wanna start reading Pride and Prejudice tp kok males ya? hehehw... dari kemaren pengen doank abis beberapa halaman langsung give up, payah!


what should I do?
luv,
-onk-

ps: the draft designs of posters are there, please have a look and tell me what d'ya think.

a jumping ideas letter...

Dear Luv,

Barusan listrik mati, uughh... sebel deh klo udah malam trus listrik mati, kan jadi terasa tambah sepi aja pulau ini. Syukurlah sekarang udah menyala lagi. Dan syukurnya lagi sekarang hujan horaay! Kamu tau kan, hujan berarti persediaan air aman --for couple of days hehehw... tp syukurlah lagi, beberapa bulan terakhir hujan terus, jadi kami punya cukup air.

Hari ini bikin poster (lagi). Of 3 am done 1 hehehw... lumayan kan secara baru belajar pakai corel di mac --sebenernya sih sama aja dgn di windows cuma karena udah lama enggak pakai aja jd alasan pdhal lupa-lupa juga gimana caranya hihihi... dan jari ini udah pegel banget dari tadi ngutak-atik garis dan bentuk hiks...

Tadi ngobrol sama Jablay soal keyakinan dll, hmm... tuh anak kadang-kadang nyambung juga kalau diajak ngobrol begituan. Pas kami lagi asik ngobrol eh ada bapak-bapak ngeliatin dengan tatapan seakan mau menawar hiiy... enggak takut-takut amat sih, biasa aja cuma aneh aja, udah tuwir, botak kok melototin dengan tidak sopannya. Well, I know that tatapan biasa differs with tatapan mesum alrite, don't be so ngeyel gtu lah Luv. Please agree with me for once!

Tumben jam segini Panda udah ngorok di sebelah. Hmm... dia sedang memendam kecewa pada teman-teman, pada sistem pada semuanya, aku tau itu, cuma gak ngerti gimana ngajakin ngobrolnya. Cowok emang aneh, kadang-kadang begitu enak diajakin ngobrol, detik berikutnya diam seribu bahasa. Hmm...

Btw ternyata "name" berasal dari Old English "nama" so bahasa indonesia mengadopsi Old English? hehehw... cool! **analogi ngawurku malam ini, maybe "nama" in Old English has nothing to do with "nama" in Bahasa Indonesia but coincidentally have the same meaning :D or not? as nothing in this world happens by chance hehehw... --quoting from Coelho's Veronika Decides to Die, an awesome book by the way**

Today chat lagi sama Mr. Nice Guy. He's nice, that's why I named him Mr.Nice Guy. We always have nice chat --again, another reason why he's named Mr. Nice Guy. Dunno where these conversations will lead.

**eh Panda bangun. Asik jd bisa nyetel musik keras-keras kan enggak bakalan ganggu tidurnya karena dia udah bangun**

Aaanywaay, surat ini kok jadi gak jelas topiknya and has jumping ideas gini? Well, it means I have to end this. Alrite, I'll see you later!

luv,
-onk-

wanna start reading...

Dear Luv,

Howdy?
Nias panas hari ini, sangat gerah. Udara lembab menggantung rendah, membuatku sesak.

Semula dku berencana utk masak spagheti, tp males belanjanya jd batal, pdahal pengen banget :(
Tadi pagi bangun langsung mandi and cuci-cuci, aaahh... seger! Trus baca-baca-baca... sampe skr nulis ini buat kamu.

Hmm... I've been thinking, you know. I will not take him and his act too seriously anymore. I had enough pain. Jadi... aku akan berusaha, menulis surat-surat yang enggak melulu tentang dia, tapi tentang hidup... well, more about me, this life, nias... anything but sorrow caused by my sunshine, how's that?

** fiuh, nias puanasss banget hari ini, btw. Pd detik aku menulis ini, badanku udah kuyup oleh keringat **

Oya, minggu lalu kami ke pemandian air panas Idanogawo. Semula kukira kayak situs purbakala gtu, eh ternyata cuma kolam renang air panas biasa, emang sih sumber alamnya rada ancient gtu tp renovasinya udah terlalu modern, in my humble opinion, jd kurang natural lagi. Gak ada foto, soalnya orang mandi saru kan klo difoto hehehehw...

Minggu ini entah mo pergi enggak, anak-anak moodnya enggak jelas.

And you know what, gara-gara nonton The Jane Austen Book Club, dku jd pengen baca novel-novelnya. Hmm... it will be a hard obsession, since I have given up reading Austen's since semester 5 :D

Alrite, gotta stop now, wanna start reading...

luv,
-onk-

Hallelujah

Dear Luv,
check this out:

Song lyrics | Hallelujah lyrics


luv,
-onk-

is it you am looking for?

Dear Luv,

If someone asks me today: how are you?
I'll answer: am not ok, am not fine today. I miss my sunshine a lot!

It's been days since I heard from him. I wish he's fine, oh I believe he's fine, he just doesn't want to contact me. Oh well, it's alrite (no it's not ok), shit happens. Should he wants to give up or give in, I'll be fine, I'll be just fine. Time will heal, right?

Rain will wash my pain, oh yeah it will.
It brings none but keeps me warm.

... and I will continue my journey, seek for my real sunshine.
Is it you am looking for?


luv,
-onk-

what a ...?

Dear Luv,

Kemarin pagi tiba-tiba seorang teman bertanya padaku:

Teman: kamu masih sama cowokmu?
Aku: masih. why?
Teman: Gpp, cuma mau nembak kamu.
Aku: ??
Teman: still there?
Aku: wait. need time to laugh
Teman: why?
Aku: kita kan gak saling kenal. what if am a lesbian or a murderer?
Teman: gak lucu. kita kan udah kenal lama. Apa gak cukup?
Aku: seriously
Teman: am serious. Aku suka sama perhatian yg kamu berikan ke aku.
Aku: what? perhatian wajar sebagai teman kali. well, thanks for asking.
Teman: am not just asking. jadi?
Aku: jangan becanda deh. we're not in love
Teman: ya terserah pendapatmu aja deh
Aku: ??
...

Dan sampai sekarang tidak ada komunikasi lagi dengannya. Aaarggh! Mungkin dia marah, padahal aku suka berteman dengannya. Dia temen ngobrol yang asik. Maybe someday he'll understand that I need to get to know him better before get in love with him.


what is love anyway.
luv,
-onk-

love me for I'll ask no more

Dear Luv,

We had fight last night. I cried, for God sake I cried. Perhaps because I was too tired to deal with his ignorance. I am tired. But I just can't stop now. I need him still for no reason but love.

He said sorry, I said no worry. Love me for I'll ask no more.

And I pray, oh my God do I pray. I pray for the love am struggling to have. I wish, damn wish we'll be fine. As the promise is still hangin' in the air, we'll walk this path better... or frustate trying. Don't give up nor give in, just don't!

Ah, thank you for being there last night.


I love him. I miss his warm hugs and bitter kisses more ...
luv,
-onk-

sadness...

Dear Luv,

Damn glad to hear your voice tonight. Dku lagi sedih banget. Tadi pagi karena harus menolak dan malam ini karena ditolak. Jadi mendengar suaramu tadi betul-betul membuat jiwaku tenang.

Kenapa dia tidak mau mencoba memahami? Kenapa dia begitu keras menolakku? Apa salahku? Kenapa dia begitu mirip kamu dulu?

Aku ingin berteriak. Memaki dan memohon. Melemparkan segala yang kini menyesakkan ini padanya. Aku lelah, aku sudah ingin berhenti. Jika dia tidak mau menggandengku dalam perjalanan ini, lalu kenapa dia mengajakku ketika aku sudah lama berhenti dan akan berbelok ke jalan lain?

Aku hanya ingin disapa dan dirindukan. Apa susahnya itu?



am sad, am missing him...
luv,
-onk-

kamu, matahariku dan nias

Dear Luv,

I am back in Nias. Kalau biasanya disambut terik mentari, kali ini hawa dingin yang menyapa. Dan seperti yang sudah-sudah, hari pertama kedua ketiga --dan semoga hanya itu-- adalah hari yang berat karena dku homesick. Miss my home, my family, my nero and my sunshine. Well, I miss you too.

Aaah...! Kangen dia yang akhir-akhir ini mencoba bersikap manis yang anehnya malah membuatku merasa dia jauh. Dia mencoba bersikap wajar dan terbatas. Yup, I hate this situation. I want my real sunshine back. Dia yang bisa dengan spontan membuatku ingin melompat ke pelukannya. Dia yang mencetuskan ide gila seketika lalu meralatnya kembali after the second thought without any guilty feeling. He, who sees a baby will solve our problem. Tp bukan dia yang pengen married dengan 3 wanita dan tinggal satu kamar itu. Bukan pula dia yang mencetuskan ide utk pergi ke Mesir. Ah, ini pasti gara-gara nonton film AAC. Uugh...!

But you know what, kali ini religion matters. Perhaps because it's about the time. Sedangkan kita dulu kan enggak. Kita terlalu sibuk jatuh cinta jadi gak sempet membahas yang lain-lain. Kami jadi ikutan jengah tiap kali ada hal yang membuat dunia --it's really weird, for me-- bergesekkan soal keagamaan. Percaya gak percaya ya, misalnya nih ada kasus film Fitna yang heboh itu, bisa-bisanya coba dia jd bete sama aku dan hubungan kami. Apa salahku coba?! Gara-gara AAC itu tadi, bisa-bisanya jd pengen istri 3 dan pergi ke Mesir. Aaaaarrghhh...!

Oya, little update from the friend of us who were crying last week. I visited her and she's alrite. She's fine. Thank God she's fine.

Dan dku juga udah mencoba ikut tes masuk kuliah. Hmm... tinggal tunggu pengumuman. Kata Hepi sih, orang pinter kalah sama orang beruntung. Semoga dku punya cukup keberuntungan kali ini. Dan biarkan aku pergi kemana hati membawaku.

Hmm... Nias. Ijinkan aku menikmati pulau ini 3 bulan lagi. Melawan homesick yang menggelitik nakal. Aku akan melangkah lagi, dengan segala keceriaan yang tersisa, dengan semangat untuk pergi... mencari matahariku. Nias adalah tempatku belajar menahan kerinduan atas pahit diciumnya.



luv,
-onk-

he loves her... he loves her not...

Dear Luv,

Last night a best friend of me --and you- was crying. She told me things about what she got after months... even years of trust. It came to pass that her trust has been breached by a good--if not best-- friend of her, who is a good friend of me and you too. Our friend.

Things that a --good, if not best-- friend does. So dirty I could throw it away. So hurtful I would have cried for her. I just couldn't stand hearing her cried tears of ... things that a friend wouldn't do.

The love has spread its wings for nothing.

And I will tell you about the things she cried. In near time when we meet. In a cozy lounge of books and coffee.


I'll see you there!
luv,
-onk-

tarot night

Dear Luv,

Last night I couldn't sleep. Well, it was not because of my imsomniac, no. I couldn't sleep because of him and his ... his attitude. I was thinking about him, about the relationship that we have. You know what, I've lost him since the day I said yes. And I need no Tarot for telling me that.

Tarot said:

• I love him and he loves me then we live the rest of our lives but not together
  
• You are not the one no matter how hard we try, we'll end up tired and exhausted

Got my point? Who needs Tarot?
Oh well, mungkin dku cuma perlu mendengarnya dari orang lain.

And this day, his day, the day that has put me aside... gosh! is almost over and yet I hear nothing from him. Maybe am still a stranger in his world... can't blame him for he's still a passerby in my world.

... and what will Tarot say to you about me?

luv,
-onk-

ajari aku bagaimana, please...

Dear Luv,

Besok adalah hari yang penting untuknya. Dia sudah mempersiapkan besok sejak lama. Dia sudah sakit kepala demi besok sejak lama. Masih asing kah aku? sehingga tidak sedikitpun dia mau membaginya? Atau aku yang tidak tau caranya? Aku tau tentang besok dan semua jerih payahnya, tapi aku tidak tau bagaimana caranya bergabung dengannya.

Mungkin aku hanya tau cara jatuh cinta. Seperti dulu ketika aku pun tidak tau bagaimana cara menghadapi hari-harimu.

Maaf, adakah yang bisa mengajariku? Karena aku sungguh ingin tau. Would you ...?


Luv,
-onk-

happy birthday sweetpunk! love you so...

March 27, 2008

Dear Luv,

Howdy?
Dku di Jogja, yup JOGJA!!! whehew... love it!
Udah sejak seminggu lalu, sebelum Paskah.

Kemarin ketemu kamu, hmm... entah kenapa mood ku lagi gak bagus, bawaannya bete dan jutekin kamu. Oya, Happy Belated Birthday sweetpunk! Love you so...

And yes, am still with my sunshine yang entah kenapa semakin bersikap manis, meskipun kadar cueknya masih amit2. I love him too... that much.

Aaanywaay, banyak yg berubah, mess di Gusit mo pindahan ke daerah Tandrawana, kata Tinces sih enak lingkungannya, dan yg pasti banyak air. Yup, that's important, very... very.. importante. We'll see, apakah rumah itu akan membuatku pulang ke rumah. Atau aku memang sudah berada di rumah?


Love you this much!
Luv,
-onk-

:: the journey continues: take the first step in the new path ::

Dear Luv,

Hari ini rasanya kok berlalu lama, bikin badan capek dan mata mengantuk. Udara lembab Gunungsitoli membuatku semakin sesak. Membuatku semakin ingin pulang.

Pulang? Iya, hanya dua minggu mulai tanggal 20 Maret dan kembali tanggal 7 April. Akhirnya dku memutuskan utk mendaftar kuliah. Aku akan mengawali sebuah proses untuk melangkah keluar dari cangkangku, dari zona aman ini yang telah membungkusku rapat selama lima tahun. Selama ini aku dibuai, dididik, dilindungi. Mungkin sudah saatnya aku keluar, belajar dari tempat lain. Now, it's the time to take the first step in the new.

This journey needs to be continued.

Aaaanyway, klo nyumbang darah ke PMI dapet duit gak sih?
Mungkin karena dku lagi capek, makanya rada sensitif, makanya sering enggak connect dengannya. Malahan ada lagi anggota baru yang melintas di hidupku. Pas lagi jutek-jutek gini malah dia mencetuskan soal Mesir. Ah...! Sempat juga aku mencetuskan soal kepastian dan ketidakpastian kami. Entah apa jadinya saat kami bertemu nanti. Kalau ditanya soal rasa, aku pun tidak berani menjawab lebih dari saat ini. Dan kurasa begitu pun dia.

Kami jatuh cinta di hari kemarin.
Kami jatuh cinta pada hari ini.
Kami takut jatuh cinta pada hari esok.
Hari esok (mungkin) bukan milik kami,
justru karena kami terlalu mencintaiNya.

... aaah! Sekarang lagi rapat koordinasi yang isinya dudulz semua... entah bagaimana kok banyak sekali masalah. Mana dku udah lapar kali.


luv,
-onk-

:: a year of absurdity --lovely! ::

Dear Luv,


I like the feel of your name on my lips
And I like the sound of your sweet gentle kiss
The way that your fingers run through my hair
And how your scent lingers even when you're not there
(boyzone)


A year of absurdity, can you believe that?

I remember having a conversation with you a year ago in Deket Rumah --ah that place always reminds me of you, too bad it closed down. Our conversation made you frustate but somehow taught me something. And am thinking about what you've said until today, a year later.

Am still here, walking the same path that I've told you a year ago. I am still in the same confusion and lost in my own concept of life. But here I am, trying to walk this path better ... ---with you I used to wish-- but no, am with him now. And I thank God for his willing to walk by my side.

One damn absurd year. Gosh! Never thought I walk this far. You gave up, you gave in after a year of ... love? Yes, I loved you and I love you still. Do you?

... ah! Will he give up again this time?
I trust him more, now as part of our commitment to walk this path better. I wish he will not give in again no matter how hard our journey would be. If ever I wanna give up, I wish he will stand by me and ask me to stay.

And I thank him, for being damn patient with my restlessness. Thank him for loving me this much, I do want him to change a bit though -- oh well, who needs no care?


wish to have other lovely years with my sunshine!
luv,
-onk-

:: gak ada sekolah murah, crap! ::

Dear Luv,

Hari ini ngecek jadwal IELTS dan test masuk. Jadwalnya ok, masih bisa kuusahakan. Tapi... pas liat biayanya, alamaakk!! Setelah kuhitung-hitung ya, lebih besar biaya hidupnya dari pada biaya kuliahnya. Lagian aku akan bergantung murni pada tabungan, karena gak ada kerjaku di sana. Fuih!

Kenapa juga UGM gak punya mata kuliah itu sih? Kalau ada kan dku gak usah mikir biaya hidup, belum lagi transportasi. Aaarrrghh! Emang bener, gak ada sekolah murah. Kata Txa, belajar jahit dan memasak ajah, lebih mudah daripada jadi sworn translator.

Tapi masak iya sih dku nyerah? Tabungan boleh abis, tapi cari cara buat ngisi lagi dunk :) Nah yang harus kupikirkan adalah cari kerja partime yg minimal bisa nambah pos makan dan kos. Hmm... susyah sih, tapi mana ada cari kerja gampang kan. Beberapa hal yang bisa kulakukan:

1. translating
2. interpreting ( kudu dpt koneksi )
   
3. teaching (time? where? ada beberapa teman yg punya lembaga bahasa sih... must check!)
4. kantoran (LSM lagi? hmm... mind the time, please! )

Sementara pikiran masih mentok di situ. Kudu diputuskan sebelum batas pendaftaran selesai. Gimana menurutmu?


... dalam keinginan untuk menyusuri jalan itu.
luv,
-onk-

:: (im)perfectionist ::

Dear Luv,

Ada loh orang yang begitu keras kepala karena dia perfectionist. Ya aku tau, kita termasuk. But you know what, sometimes, being a damn perfectionist is doing no good for others. The problem is when he/she doesn't want to ask for help for her/his inability, the result is imperfection that she/he can't accept. The imperfection will frustate him/her. His/her frustation is resulting disturbing behavior, which frustate others.

a proverb says: communicate anytime anyhow. how difficult is that?
Hmm... hv u got my point?


luv,
-onk-

:: dalam dekapmu ::

Dear Luv,


mendung merapat manja
ketika angin resah menyapa.
kenapa?
sudah habiskah kata,
sehingga tak lagi kita bercerita.

hujan belum lagi tiba,
tapi kelam menarikku lebih dulu
menuju kehampaan kala.
diamlah...
mari nikmati pelukan sepi.



luv,
-onk-

:: 40 hari lagi kita bertemu? ::

Dear Luv,

When I first saw you, I saw love
And the first time you touched me, I felt love
And after all this time, you're still the one I love
(shania twain's you're still the one)

40 hari lagi bisakah kita bertemu? Sebelum kamu berlayar dan aku terbang. Kita akan membelah dunia beriring meski tidak bersama. Dua insomniac yang merindukan bintang kala hujan.

Ingat soal pertanyaan yang kususun berbulan-bulan lalu?
Ingat tentang daftar yang kubuat berapa purnama lalu?
Daftar utk matahariku.

Kamu benar, kamu selalu benar. Tidak ada gunanya ditanyakan, cinta bukan soal hitung-hitungan matematika atau logika dasar. Meskipun semua daftar dan pertanyaan tdk jadi kutanyakan dan kuajukan, ajaibnya matahari tetap kembali. Dia yang pertama berhasil mengusik tenangku, munculkan riak yang tidak bisa kucegah, sejak kamu pergi. Dia yang juga pernah pergi namun kembali. Dia yang coba kuusir namun berkeras tinggal. Dia... dia ternyata masih belum mau beranjak dari duniaku. Dan aku ternyata masih merindukan hangat dekapnya. Maka kuijinkan dia tinggal.

And you know what, we did not exchange any questions nor explanation. Tapi...

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We might've took the long way
We knew we'd get there some day

Don't laugh. Terakhir kali kita bertemu Natal lalu di Kedai Poci dan meskipun di antara teman-teman pun the way you looked at me was still the same, there is always something in the way you look at me that I couldn't explain. Waktu itu kamu tertawa kala ku cerita tentang matahariku dan aku mencibir saat kamu ceritakan tentang barbie girl you wanna date with.

... ah! Tidak bisakah kamu kembali? Sejenak saja supaya kau yakinkan kembali bahwa duniaku kini adalah dengan sinarnya, bukan lagi sinarmu. Because somehow, after all these 4.5 years, I still damn need you, though am over you. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it could be that hard. But hey, I've let you go. I did it. Come on, be happy for me Luv. Be happy that am in love with him now.

Seharusnya kamu bertemu dengannya. 40 hari lagi, sempatkah? Dan tertawalah sepuasmu atas matahari itu. Matahari angkuh yang selalu membuatku dahaga. Kalian begitu mirip. Kalian begitu membuatku terpesona, terluka, tertawa... dan hidup. Kalian membuatku mengenal kembali diriku. What more I expect, jika tanpa kalian aku hilang.

40 hari lagi, sebentar saja, temui kami yang gelisah menunggu waktu menghempas. Kami, yang seperti kita dulu, mencoba bertahan hanya karena dekap sayang ini. Kami yang hanya dalam remang maya berbicara. Kami, meskipun dia matahari dan aku --masihkah bintang?-- tidak berani menebas terang dan terlalu takut pada kelam, hidup dalam dua kala yang berbeda. Yet we wanna try again. Perhaps this is naive, but we want to walk this path better. We expect less but we'll do more. We need no complaint but support, from you and all the folks we have. Sejak kapan? Sekarang, ketika aku kembali mencicipi pahit Marlboro merah di bibirnya? atau setahun yang lalu ketika kali pertama dia usik aku? atau 5 bulan yang lalu kala kami saling meninggalkan? Entahlah.

So close no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters.
(metallica)

... and I damn wish you were here!
miss the time when we smoked together.
luv,
-onk-

:: 'till fa(i)t(h)e do us part ::

Dear Luv,
Have you ever asked God's plan? What if ...

Nias lovely Nias, home sweet hell...

Yup, here I am, amidst the agas and semalambuo (spelling please...). Setelah seharian berjamur di Cengkareng kemarin, hari ini dku tiba di Nias. Ah, kembali ke pulau ini, kembali ke jaman batu. Sebenarnya enggak buruk-buruk kali sih, ada tawa canda teman-teman, ada jus (a)pokat nya TipTop, ada pantai, ada keheningan yang menantang.

Ah rindu --yang disertai kejengkelan-- yup, am still trying to figure out what's on his mind. Setelah memutuskan utk berkompromi dengan segala ke-absurd-an sikapnya, ternyata dku masih sering emosi juga. Ah...

Dunno how long this absurdity will last, one thing for sure, we'll walk this path better, or frustate trying, 'till fa(i)t(h)e do us part.

The taste of his cigar has changed, not bitter nor sweeter, yet enough to feed my restlessness. I wish... damn wish not only the cigarette that changed but he... his ignorance too.



wish you were here and share me his ignorance. Miss him much!
luv,
-onk-

:: good news, bad news, shit happens, love happens... ::

February 06, 2008


Dear Luv,
(ditengah keputusasaan membuat 3-years report dku menulis ini hiks...)

Entering February, after a very hectic January, kerjaan dan tetekbengeknya mulai nampak dari imbas overload di bulan lalu -- as I've told you so.

Good news, bad news, shit happens, love happens... hmm many things yg belum sempat kusampaikan padamu. Mungkin kita harus duduk bersama dan akan kutumpahkan padamu apapun yg kamu mau dengar atau yang harus kutumpahkan dari pikiran yg (baru sebulan) sudah butuh re-charge.

Good news, Dita is joining the project so I have partner again. Hope she will contribute a lot :p Personal good news: I know one truth, an important truth that I know by coincidence. No, I won't tell you, let it be my dirty litle secret. Let's say that the news has helped me mapping my situation. At least I won't hear the same song all the time. You are smiling now, aren't you?

Bad news? some shit happens, oh well let's differentiate between the two. Bad news is I haven't met you :( I miss you a lot! I need to see you smile at me. Bad news is some folks messed things up, unimportant but disturbing. We need to find a way out, oh I know, you'll suggest me to be the peacemaker, won't you? Nope, count me out this time, I have enough burden to ease, though it's damn tempting :)

Now about "shit happens", I lost my gadgets, 3 cellphones!!! Crap! Oh well, shit happens. Tp udah dpt gantinya sih, much better :D enggak semahal yg kubayangkan whehew... oh by the way, on the process of finding new gadget, I've suceeded messing up one of his days haha... he was so sweet that day. No, it is one of "shit happens". Kayaknya lebih enak klo dku cerita langsung deh bukan lewat surat gini hehe... soalnya pengen liat cengiran lebarmu sekaligus jitakan sayangmu hahaha... so kapan kita bertemu? saat Adam memberikan rusuknya pada Hawa? atau ketika Tuhan mengambil dari Adam tanpa sepengetahuannya? Halah!

Don't laugh, we can stop dreaming, but we can't stop loving. Come on... you know it's true. Even if am hooking up with someone or you're dating a barbie girl, still... love is hangin' in the air.

Oh ya, the love haha... at this part you may laugh and mock me, go ahead Luv, I know you just can't stand not to do that things you do. Well yes, the sun is shining my world. Well, he's still the same man I care. Dunno where this path lead us, but one thing for sure, we'll walk this path better. One honesty that followed by thousands lies. What's good about it? ask me not, I don't know, but God knows.

This is a jumping-ideas-letter, isn't it? Oh well, shit happens, life is not always easy, like this letter hehee...


... dan mari kita bertemu, bahkan sebelum Adam dan Hawa menyadari rasa iri kita.
luv,

-onk-

:: enjoy Bangkok from 4th floor ::

Dear Luv,

Howdy?
Smoga jauh lebih sehat daripada dku.

Hmm... sialnya dku masih demam, jd blom bisa menikmati Bangkok. Jangankan jalan keluar kampus, nyari makan di kantin dan masuk kelas aja harus susah payah. Batuk udah mendingan, tp pilek masih, pusing dan migrain masih, badan panas masih juga... aaarrgghhh!!!

Mana kerjaan dan PR masih banyak lagi, uuurrghh!


miss ya,
-onk-

:: my visit to another big city; tempting atmosphere ::

Dear Luv,

Howdy?
You looked damn nice and acted indeed nice that night, when we had our reunion with our folks.

I have nothing new, basically. Well, am traveling these days. It's pretty much tiring, actually.
This is my second day in Bangkok, yet am having cough and stomachache. I made mistake by turning on the AC last night, and either the wrong dish I had for lunch this afternoon or the fruits. No worry, after a good rest tonight, I will be okay tomorrow.

Bangkok is just another big city. After a long queue at the immigration & visa control, I jumped into a cab and went to Kasetsart campus. Oh by the way, Suvarnabhumi is a friendly airport, you can get visa and taxi in nice way. After a fast move along the highway, I saw buildings and "welcome to Bangkok city" said the driver. "Am in Jakarta", I thought. Only the language and written products are in Thai, which has made me in complete lost of translation. Crap!

The Kasetsart Campus, where am staying and studying, is lovely. So... academical. Living in this place has brought me the desire to get my master, which is my dream these days. Translation study will definitely the one I will enroll.

The class today was fun. I have a lot to catch, but I'll be fine and try to be more focus tomorrow. My classmates are nice. Oh by the way, Rose is currently dealing with 2 books and compiling report of 6 countries project reports!! Who said am overwhelmed?

And... I feel the need to mention it, there are so many plump dogs around the campus, they are damn cute.

There were some good points I got in the class today, one is: I enjoy writing report when I have time", well... who doesn't?

One new thing is Fog Index --it's a crazy way to group people based on what they read and their education level. Phew! Gotta try that. You can find it somewhere in wikipedia.

You know what, Neil Kendrick, my instructor said "problem doesn't go away, it transform into another problem", is it true? or just a pessimistic point of view?

One problem: I have limited cash, both bath and dollar, yet I saw a bank and two money exchange. Let's try my luck tomorrow then.

These today conclusion: I enjoy this course as much as I enjoy the campus. The nuance for God sake... damn tempting! Is it a signal?

No complaint on the dinner. Delicious. Price? Just the same with we have in Indonesia.

Gotta have some rest. Good night dear.

luv,
-onk-

Happy New Year!

January 03, 2008

Dear Luv,

Happy New Year!
Sugeng Warsa Enggal!

It's 2008.
December has passed and yet I said nothing about the question. Like I said months ago, moment nya udah lewat, pertanyaan itu udah keselip entah di antara lembar-lembar cerita yang menumpuk berdebu di sudut angan.

Ah sudahlah, mari memulai tahun yang baru dengan resolusi baru. Hmm... speaking of resolution, niatnya sih mo kontemplasi di tempat libur kemarin tp pada kenyataannya eh malah bermain air ria haha... kehujanan gtu loh. Jd resolusi dibuat dalam hati saja. Isi resolusiku taon ini gak jauh beda dengan tahun lalu kok, cuma level kepentingannya lebih urgent wekwkqkq... Ya secara Ibunda udah wanti-wanti, so I must get hurry.

Aannywaaay, liburan kemaren berhasil kami lalui dengan baik, sehat dan... fun...fun..fun!! despite the long way to go, cost and flood along the way... we really...really... had fun!
Hmm... poto-potonya menyusul yakk, soalnya blom sempat download dari kamera. waah... last trip was really fun. Psstt... I bought a new gown, it's maroon .

Gotta split, masih mo nerusin kerjaan sebentar sebelum siap-siap buat reunian kita ntar malam hehe... can't wait to meet you, smoga kamu jadi datang.

luv,
-onk-