gimme time to make peace with myself, please...

Dear Luv,

How's life there? Have you had fun?
I have fun here. Am happy for I have found my prince of charming, he'll the one to be by my side for the rest of my life, hopefully.

However am in anger, to myself. So I need time to make peace with myself. Part of me insisted to keep the ego, other part told me to let go. I'm in my own war. All I need is run to a place where I can scream outloud and meet you there to simply hear your saying 'hey'. Will he understand this the way you understand me? I'm afraid to keep searching for your broken smile in his. I'm scared of my own choice, for the first time of my life I fight against my own dream. And I miss you badly. I want to tell you what's going on in my mind and be in your big warm hug, settle me and calm me.

If to have him means bading adieu to the dream that I've raised for these ten fuckin' years, I'll do, I'll say goodbye to the dream. Just gimme time to make peace with myself. And I need some other sentimental things to help me letting go of that dream. Hell yes you knew what it is. It's the dream that I used to share with you. All I want in life is go to school and wandering Indonesia. And after all is said and done, I'll come home and settle. Is it to difficult to ask for?

If I have my last chance to go out and walk the path I used to dream of, I'll do that without leaving him. But I need, damn need his smile. I can't do this alone, for God sake, I can't for I have settled my heart in his.


still figure everything out...
luv,
-onk-