confession of a broken mind #1

Dear Luv,

I was just celebrating my 27th birthday last May 26. I celebrated it with 3 bars of dark chocolate and a bottle of Cointreau. Yes, you read it well, Cointreau. Awesome, isn’t? I sipped it with some folks here.

But then, the Cointreau made me think about something that is bothering my life these days. So I wanna make a confession of what’s going on in my mind:
1. Feel like I wanna let my sunshine go
2. Feel like I fall in love with someone much older
Oh yes, you read it correctly.

So yesterday morning I called my sunshine to ask about our relationship, and it was not going as I expected. He was so sweet, damn nice. How could I break his mood then?

I spend observing the new guy then these days. Is he the one? If I'm pretty sure that my sunshine is not the one, then why I kinda have the feeling that this new guy is the one? Or it's just another lots like love? Will I hear the click sound this time?

OMG if yes. This new guy is about 10 years older than me. He is not that handsome or as cute as my sunshine. He is not as smart as I expected, smarter than my sunshine though. He is modest. He is so usual and ordinary. Yet I am amazed by his charm. I saw him differently. I saw silliness behind his silence and cold manner, his childhood side, which then I adore.

Do I have the guts to continue this feeling or simply enjoy and kill it?
I'm not worry about my sunshine, for we can't save our love, or maybe we have no love after all. We don't walk the path better nor together. And maybe it's about the time to give in. I don't feel sorry, I have nothing to regret. Everything is just beautiful as it is.


What do you think, Luv? What should I do?
luv,
-onk-

old memories... happy birthday to me!

Dear Luv,

It's May 25 and tomorrow will be my birthday. Well yes, am still in Nias instead of back home as what I've planned. But hey, maybe there'll be something good of being here on my birthday.

I wrote a reflection poem last three years, or it was last two years? oh well, here's the piece:

Sahabatku,

Pagi ini dku bangun dan menangis. Sungguh awal yang buruk untuk sebuah hari ulang tahun.
Tapi demi waktu yang berlalu dan kisah-kisah yang telah lewat, kesedihan pun hadir.
Album foto yang usang menyimpan sedikit saja kenangan,kesedihan untuk yang terlupakan dan kan hilang
Kesedihan untuk wajah-wajah lama dan akrab namun pelahan memudar.
Pita-pita kaset rekaman suara masa lalu mulai bernada sumbang... kesedihan untuk yang tak lagi terdengar
Kesedihan untuk tawa ceria dan sumpah serapah yang tak sempat terekam.
Mawar merah kado dari masa lalu di sudut meja kamar telah kaku menghitam... kesedihan untuk hutang lama yang beku di dasar hati
Kesedihan untuk setiap kata-kata yang tak sempat terucap
Kesedihan untuk setiap perbuatan yang tak kunjung dilakukan
... dan kini semua telah terlambat.
Kesedihan untuk penyesalan yang sia-sia
Kesedihan untuk setiap momen ganjil yang pernah terjadi namun tak sempat menangkap maknanya

Pagi ini aku menyadari bahwa pada akhirnya jiwa kanak-kanak itu pun akan semakin tak tersentuh.
Harga yang mahal untuk kedewasaan yang bagiku semu.
Karena aku memang tak pernah mau dewasa.
Namun karena kalian, aku belajar...
Bersama kalian, aku belajar tentang dunia asing ini dan hal-hal ajaib yang menyertainya

Kekonyolan demi kekonyolan yang kulakukan bersama kalian mungkin akan terlupa, namun keceriaanku ini berawal dari sana
Perih luka yang kubuat bersama kalian mungkin telah sembuh, namun bekasnya masih melekat di tubuh dan jiwaku
Segala nasehat kalian mungkin tidak semua kuingat, namun tanpanya aku takkan jadi seperti ini
Banyaknya pertentangan dan perdebatan dengan kalian pastilah menyakitkan, namun dengan itu aku belajar menjadi berani
Kesalahan demi kesalahan tentu saja menjengkelkan, namun dari situ aku belajar untuk minta maaf
Kebodohan dan ketololan buatku jujur, memang aku tidak sempurna dan masih harus terus belajar dan berkembang
... bersama kalian kah? Mungkin tidak. Karena suatu saat pun kalian akan berlalu. Namun jika masih ada kesempatan, maka bolehlah rajutan ini diteruskan, sampai bola benang yang terakhir.

Pada hari ini...
Ketika ucapan dan peluk hangat telah kuterima, aku pun tersenyum.
Menyadari bahwa semua harus terjadi.
Yang hilang takkan tergantikan dan yang datang tak mungkin menggantikan
Begitupun kebahagiaan memiliki kalian, takkan menggantikan kesedihan kehilangan mereka
Dan kesedihan tiadanya mereka takkan bisa mengusik kebahagiaan adanya kalian
Setiap hal memiliki peran
Setiap momen memiliki makna
Setiap detiknya memiliki arti
Membentukku disana-sini, menambahkan rasa untuk cita dan cinta
Adalah keajaiban, memiliki keduanya. (sometimes miracle just doesn't work, so I changed into: Adalah berkat, memiliki keduanya.)
Terberkatilah aku yang memiliki banyak pilar 'tuk bersandar, dan pilar-pilar itu adalah kalian.

Untuk semua sahabat hidupku, terima kasih atas 24 tahun (hmm... it's xx years old now :D ) yang takkan bisa kulewati tanpa kalian.

Peluk sayang,
-onk-


Well I guess for the sake of old memories I put it here for you. Will I spend another year in my life to love you still?

luv,
-onk-

re-thinking about Bangkok: it's not just another-big-city anymore :)

Dear Luv,

It's been a while, isn't? Oh well, I am missing you, but hey, I'll over it.

I was just thinkin' about Bangkok as Lindo texted me to announce her safely arrival in Jogja after a week in that 'another-big-city'. She told me of leaving someone in Bangkok. Beth once told me she left the smile of being flattered by a stranger there, but she brought the memory back home. Me? I was dragged out of the dorm with my running nose to streets of Bangkok by Stephane, a playful handsome French, just to left me with the crowd in Siam Square. I didn't complaint, it was him who made me seen the real Bangkok instead of a poor view from the balcony of my room in 4th floor.

You know, Bangkok is lovely actually, well yeah, for me it's just another big city until this afternoon, but tonight, on my second thought, despite my cold when I was there, I enjoyed the sadly romantic nuance, to be honest. Sadly yes, because neither you or him were there. period.

As I was walking down the streets of Silom, browsing stuffs in Suan Lum, joining the crowd in Siam Square or tasting local foods sold by vendors along the streets or in a open-air food court, I felt I was a bohemian. The freedom of walking in such warm nights, wearing clothes that represents of who you are and nobody would protest it, kissing the air of... I don't know, sinfully delightful living art? I am talking about its fashion, hair cut, foods, people, streets, subway, skytrain, malls, language, religion, prostitute... and many more, blend in one place. And I just realize, Bangkok is not just another-big-city anymore.


... and as the memory of Victory Monument's dazzling display that I viewed from the skytrain windows returns, I'm dreaming of us walking down the streets of Bangkok...

luv,
-onk-


ps: I should have taken photos of Bangkok. I didn't because of that damn cold kicked away my mood. Crap! Oh don't you dare to laugh.

lost in translation #2

Dear Luv,

I once again got into a 'lost translation'. Our procurement team, consists of finance, logistician and purchase officer --Bataknese and Javanese persons, tried to figure what is a sothil or in English we called it stir out for the sake of an official purchase order.

So I texted and asked Vader 13 only to receive asnwer, "udh nanya ga da y tahu. kl di Medan namanya serokan,kl versi co y ga pnh msh (masuk, red) dapur saringan"

"Haha... that's funny. Btw what's it in Engl?" asked I then

"Fish-slice,kl sendok sayur ladle,saringan (jeruk,kopi)strainer.. weh ada gunanya bw modul MLW (My Little World, tempat dulu Vader 13 pernah berbakti pada anak-anak sebagai guru TK, red)

"Hehe.. I shoud have bought Disney's picture dictinry, shouldn't I? Thx, now I'll find terjemahannya di intnet. Crazy way to find Indo word by an Indonesian" texted I

"It is now officialy announced tht u, I, my two friends, n tht procurement team who created ths mess at first, fail d first test f being Indonesian" replied her.

"Yes, exactly my dear. Shall we start browsing new country?" cynical reply by me.

"And it's all because f tht silly sothil, hey if it was a real test, hw many f total population f our country'd b xtradited. m sure none f my famly'd be able 2 answer t"

"True! Damn sothil"


#end of discussion about sothil#


did we ever lost in translation regarding our relationship, Luv?
luv,
-onk-

why do I fall in love with you? #2

Dear Luv,

I have been thinking again...
I was crying when you dumped me, yes you did it honey, but I didn't feel so bad when he dumped me. I felt sorry for myself, for not able to have healthy relationship, but I didn't even cry.
I was happy than ever when we rebuild our friendship, I couldn't be happier that time, even happier than when we, he and I rebuild our relationship.
And now you broke my heart, again, for leaving for a cruise. I miss you, as always, and never thought, after these years, that I'm still sad whenever you are far from my world.

Maybe Vader 13 was right after all, I need to see a shrink.

###

This is Saturday and I feel like I don't wanna do any work :) I spent this morning reading Sophie Kinsella's Can You Keep a Secret? It's a good chicklit. Even though almost all chicklits tell happy-ending-story, they also tell you that nobody's perfect. And yes, we do did some beautiful mistakes and have some dirty little secrets.


Still thinking what the hell I am doing...
luv,
-onk-

a girl name Niar and her Cucumbers, Limes and Bananas

Dear Luv,

I was just bought a cluster banana and 3 limes, they are fresh and smell so good. A girl name Niar has just came to my office to have shed from rain. She was wet, cold and shiver. She brought her bike to our front porch. Her bike has a basket in which she put two clusters banana and many cucumbers and lemons. She is a fruit seller.

Aku : pakailah (kusodorkan handuk bersih)
Niar : (menggeleng) tidak usah kak
Pak Jum : ambil ini (menyodorkan handuk berwarna shocking pink dgn ukuran lebih kecil daripada yg kusodorkan)
Mas Rudi : ambil, nanti sakit
Niar : (menerima handuk) terima kasih
Rudi : di mana rumahmu?
Niar : Moawo
Bang Nalon : waah jauh itu, naik ke bukit-bukit sana. Kalau pas mo ke rumah sepedamu dituntun kan?
Niar : maksudnya?
Pak Jum : disorong?
Niar : iya dipegang aja, menanjak
Aku : kelas berapa?
Niar : enggak sekolah
Kami : oo… (bersamaan)
Aku : terakhir kelas berapa?
Niar : lima
Bang Nalon : Apa kerja bapakmu?
Niar : Gak ada
Bang Nalon : Ibumu?
Niar : Jaga adik
Mas Rudi : Berapa bersaudara kalian?
Niar : 5, aku yang pertama, adikku 4

After she went mas Rudi told me that she was shiver due to rain and her crying. Why? Because she has just lost her money. She was selling her fruits and then rain was falling heavily and she fled for shed and dropped the money. She was afraid of returning home because she was supposed to buy some rice with the money, it was Rp.20.000,- so mas Rudi gave her the same amount of money so she could stop crying and smile again. Ah, that was why she was so pale, I thought it was because of the cold. And it's true, she was prettier when smiling.

Twenty thousands rupiah can do so much for her and her family, how much is it for us? a cup of frappucino and a cup of lemon tea that we used to sip? a pack of your cigar? a bar of my dark chocolate? hmm...


luv,
-onk-

why do I fall in love with you? #1

Dear Luv,

A short conversation with a friend few weeks ago is bothering me until now, so I decided to ask for your opinion.

teman : Kenapa coba kamu selalu terlibat dengan pacaran beda agama?
aku : I don't know. My love has nothing to do with religion
teman : Really? But have you ever attracted to someone in the same religion?
aku : mm... nope (big grin). Hey look, cowok itu cakep (menunjuk ke cowok yang lewat di depan kost teman)
teman : See, kamu selalu tertarik pada cowok-cowok yang abis pulang dari Masjid.
aku : (menatap teman dengan tatapan paling innocent yang kupunya) what? I didn't know about where he was arriving from. I didn't know that!
teman : sudahlah. (menghela napas lalu masuk ke dalam)
aku : bukan salahku kalau aku tertarik pada cowok-cowok yang rajin Sholat, mereka selalu kelihatan fresh dan bersih.

Para pria yang beragama Islam, catat ini baik-baik, kalian sungguh tampak jauh lebih tampan pada saat-saat setelah selesai menjalankan Ibadah!

Ahh mungkin itu sebabnya aku terlibat denganmu dulu dan dengannya saat ini. What d'ya think? Oohh, trust me, you're not as adorable as what you think Luv.


still thinkin' about what the hell I am doing...
luv,
-onk-

some pictures taken during the trip to Pulau Asu

:: flawless beauty ::

I was amazed with its white sand and blue sea. If only I have under water camera (and yes, if only I can dive :p ), I would have taken the pictures of coral reefs that lay peacefully and form a kingdom of fish.

:: Panda and the Sunset ::
He was acting like albatros, landing under the big orange ball whom tenderly set at west.







:: 'till dusk ::
We were sitting on the rocks bed that spread along the west coast of Pulau Asu while waiting for the sunset. We were amazed by the dusk that slowly approaching.










Wish you were there, enjoying that magnificent views with me...

luv,
-onk-

last weekend route: sirombu-hinako-bawa-...-himana-sirombu-pulau asu!

Dear Luv,

After 7 hours on the boat, it was a small boat of Pulau 8, I finally stepped my foot on Pulau Asu's white sand.

A week before:

Monday afternoon suddenly Ambyar came into the office with a big smile. His skin has got darker than when we met him previously in Saturday. I asked him in envy, "how's it?".

Ambyar answered (his smile was even wider), "Pulau Asu is not good, it is very good or even better hahaha...". Listened to his answer, Panda, Tinces and I determined to go. "My pride won't allowed to be left behind. I must reach that place", said Tinces.

...

It was a very hot Saturday afternoon, exactly 1.30 p.m when Tinces and I were walking to the Sirombu beach where the boats were docked. My heart beat fast as I saw the boat that would take me to Pulau Asu. The flawless island as said by Ambyar. I never like to ride on a boat, for I could not swim that good.

The sea was calm as I expected. Thank God. We went through some small islands to get other passengers. The boat was a transportation boat from one island to the others, in total there are 8 islands and Pulau Asu is the last destination. My heart beat was calmer as I saw the crew of the boat, they seemed know what they were doing, so I was relieved and I let the dymenhydrinat worked well, I fell asleep almost all the time.

The afternoon sun heat woke me up from my half-sleep (in Nias, the sun set at 6-30 to 7 p.m.). My sense got back in quick as I amazed by coral reefs below the water. I was enjoying the view of Pulau Himana when suddenly Vini, the captain of the boat came to us (Tinces and I) and apologized, "the daughters of the owner of this boat need to go to Pulau Asu as well", said he. Tinces smiled and I still didn't catch. So? Vini explanation has brought light nausea to my belly, "we have to go back to Sirombu to pick them up". What a ...?! It was 5.30 p.m. and I hadn't had my lunch and had been 3.5 hours on board and only 30 minutes away from Pulau Asu yet he told us that we needed to return to Sirombu, exactly to the same place from where we departed. "Oh well, we are in a 'wisata bahari' anyway", remarked Tinces and I had no choice than agreed upon her opinion.

Panda and Buyung were out for fishing when we got there, it was about 8.30 p.m. and we rushed to the warung to get some dinner. At exactly 12 p.m the light was out and I went into the room. Panda and Buyung were still on the sea, fishing. I met them when the dawn broke. They told me that they had many catches but left them to the fishermen with whom they gone fishing. We spent the whole sunday walking along the coast, took pictures and I played volleyball with Buyung --from which I got my right thumb injured and it is swelling until this second. The journey was closed by sunset, the most beautiful sunset I've ever shot :)

And we were not alone, some surfers were enjoying their waves under the big orange sun that tenderly set at west. Pulau Asu is said to be Indonesia's third best place for surfing. No wonder if many surfers, mostly foreigners named this island as hidden paradise. Brazillian surfers even have a club namely Gansgter Paradise in this small island. Pulau Asu's best times was in 1997 to 1999, when so many surfers and backpackers came throughout the years. Two bungalows are owned by Belgians, one of which is on sale now. Some others are belong to locales, which are cheaper yet comfortable.

Pulau Asu is indeed flawless. It's more than words can say, for me. I was startled with its white sand, the whitest sand I've ever seen. So there I was, chased the sun until the very west of Nias Islands. Pulau Asu is located at the western part of Pulau Nias, it is not the farthest but the very west island among the other islands in Nias. The farthest island is Pulau Telo, it takes more than 6 hours by boat or 60 minutes by small plane. Pulau Telo is situated at the southest part of Nias Islands at the border to West Sumatera.

In our inn, we met some policemen, they were having "high tension" discussion with a tourist and his guide. We didn't know what happen until one of the fishermen told us. There were some immigration and administration problems. Oh well, some shit bureaucracy sometimes hinders tourism in many Indonesia's hot spots. While negotiation run, the sea got darker as the night fell. The lights sparked from many spots of fishermen boats and tourist's yacht.

The sun had set on so our journey must end. On Monday morning, a few minutes after the dawn broke, we got on the boat and sailed to Sirombu. We followed "almost" the same route as when we came. Island to island, the view was awesome. The sea was again calm. The wind sang its lullaby and dymenhydrinat was never failed me, kicked away the nausea.

The journey will be continued to other island, to where I will chase my sunshine.

wish you were with me, witnessing the sun set on the very west of these Islands...

luv,

-onk-

adieu luv, chase the dreams!

Dear Luv,

I have kissed you goodbye for thousands times, emotionally. But today is the day that I must really say goodbye to you... literally. Your departure is today. Then go my love, chase the dreams. For I have departed, am chasing mine too. Have a safe trip. Maybe someday in some other time, my life will run accross yours. At any time, you can always find me writing these letters, for I will never let you go.

with sadness adieu, I watched you fade away...


luv,
-onk-