Little Scraps of My Old Broken Mind

Dear Luv,

Just found this old note, little scraps of my old broken mind. Terserak begitu saja di antara tulisan usang lainnya, but hey, gotta love this one. So yeah, this is for you, enjoy Luv.

September 20, 2005

03.00 p.m. – Room 428, Hotel Polonia, Medan

Tubuhku serasa tertusuk-tusuk tatkala air panas mengucur deras dari shower. Ngilu. Entah karena lantai kamar mandi yang licin atau memang tak lagi aku seimbang berdiri, serasa limbung tubuhku setiap kupejamkan mata menikmati kucuran hangat.

Di luar sana terserak berkas-berkas kerjaan menutupi kasur sampai ke karpet tebal kamar hotel ini. Pemandangan dan hiruk pikuk lalu lintas kota Medan terkalahkan oleh aktivitas di kamar ini. Kemarahan atasan sudah sampai ke ubun-ubun, ditambah ketegangan demi ketegangan muncul dalam tiap nada suara rekan-rekan. Kami sedang mencoba melewati sebuah fase audit, yg nampaknya tidak semakin mudah.

           

Aku melangkah berat keluar dari kamar mandi, kesegaran sesaat setelah mandi betul-betul hanya sesaat. Lenyap begitu saja berganti kelelahan yang teramat ketika kudapati wajah-wajah lelah dan penuh ketegangan di hadapanku. Tidak mudah memang bekerja di bawah tekanan dan tuntutan untuk selalu serba sempurna.

11.00 p.m. – Sei Putih 49, Medan

Hari ini badanku serasa melayang, berpijak serasa tak tegak, semua berputar tak jelas, nyut-nyut di kepala semakin terasa. Penat! Semalam tadi aku gak tidur lagi, tersita oleh kerjaan yg semakin hari semakin mencekik. Membuatku tersedak, napasku tersengal.

Sindiran tajam telak menghantamku ketika mereka berbicara mengenai report, yah.. sebuah kesalahan yang aku bahkan sadar akan kehadirannya namun tak sanggup mencegahnya terjadi. Semua kembali ke pundakku, kepadaku kesalahan menimpa. Semua berawal dari keteledoran, ketidaktelitian, kebodohan dan sekali lagi... kapasitasku yang baru sampai segitu saja.

Perih segera menusuk ulu hatiku, rasa ngilu menyebar sampai ke tulang belakang dan seterusnya... aku merintih, diantara pening di kepala dan sengal napasku. Perih dan pening seakan berlomba menyiksaku, membuatku semakin menggigil... buatku teringat akan kamu, dan betapa aku pernah menggiggil di kehangatan pelukmu.

#end of notes# 

How I'm proud to read this, knowing that I didn't just give up right there and then, no matter how I was on the brink of a major breakdown. But hey, I wasn't even allowed to whine, let alone give in. Stand tall, duck down, walk slow, run fast, fly high, fall hard, through and through. No regret.

A very late post, for you and only you, always.

luv,

-onk-

Veronika yang Hidup

Dear Luv,

Semoga hidup memberikan yang terbaik bagimu.

Terlalu lama sudah jiwa ini tidak menyapamu. Aku baik, little ups and downs here and there, but am fine, as always. Hidup tidak selalu sempurna, but it's always beautiful, defiantly.

Did I miss u? I did. I always do and always will.

Beberapa bulan terakhir aku berinteraksi dengan beberapa orang dengan kondisi yang membuat mereka harus bergantung dengan pengobatan seumur hidup. Kami bekerja bersama, kami berteman, kami bersahabat. Aku belajar tentang kehidupan lebih banyak lagi, lebih dari ketika aku belum bertemu dengan mereka. It was amazing that I learned so much dari mereka yang bahkan tidak bermaksud memberikan pelajaran.

Hal terpenting adalah aku belajar tentang bagaimana bersyukur. Really, I'm grateful with what I have. Apa yang tidak aku miliki, tidak akan mengurangi rasa syukurku. Sungguh, betapa banyak kecerobohan yang telah kulakukan dan bisa saja membawaku ke jalan hidup yang lain, tapi kehidupan masih begitu baik padaku. Apa alasanku untuk tidak bersyukur?

Hidup itu menyimpan misteri. Di saat aku mulai melupakan Veronika, they give meaning to Veronika a whole new level. And I feel so blessed and proud to know them, Veronika yang hidup.

Selalu berharap untuk melanjutkan interaksi ini bersama mereka, sampai entah kapan. Selamanya bila mungkin? Hanya keajaiban yang bisa menjawab misteri waktu. Ingin menari bersama cahaya itu, mencari makna dari setiap berkasnya.

Dan bersama mereka aku kembali diam dalam pelukan sepi, berharap kamu di sini bersamaku, bersyukur atas hidup dan kehidupan.

... and let's our minds open, evolve and produce.

luv,
-onk-

Marriage by Society

Dear Luv,

Semoga hidup menjagamu dengan baik.

Hari ini seorang gadis menikahi kekasihnya, hampir semua orang akan melihat hari ini sebagai hari yang bahagia. Well, we can say that, in a way.

Note the key word: hampir semua orang. Yeah, what can I say, aku sering termasuk ke dalam sepersekian orang that beg to differ in few other things.

The girl, who married her lover, is pregnant. She is about six month long and  had kept it a secret until about a week ago. Hmm...

Tapi kenapa? Takut, malu, tidak ingin menghadapi kenyataan dan/atau alasan lain yang bermain dalam pikirannya. Well, in a society like theirs, all those reasons are valid. She is just a year or two over twenty, just graduated from college and unemployed. Her lover isn't even graduated, at the same age or maybe even younger, he is also unemployed and scared shitless with the situation.

As I learned about them from our short encounter through people around us in these two days of helping her with the wedding, they're simply adorable. Both of the bride and groom are young and naive. They're both scared and really, this wedding thing is probably the bravest thing they've ever done until now. But, taking care of their coming child will top that, obviously.

Why did I say so? Because they have through every steps in her pregnancy together. The boy religiously goes to every appointment with the obsgyn. The girl is taking care of her unborn baby very well. It's like they live in their own exclusive world and so damn afraid that if they tell others their little perfect world will fall apart.

But hey, reality sucks guys. As it is written with an invisible ink in the norm and codes of their society, but everyone must obey nonetheless, they have to enter marriage to have good closure before the society's eyes. Or else, everyone in their society will judge and call their unborn child as a little bastard when the baby is born outside marriage. If you know what I mean.

So they finally told their folks and finally got married this morning. What's with the above keyword? The groom has only one person by his side. No friend, no relative, not even his parents and family attended.

He steps into this marriage thing alone. Granted, with his girl and unborn child, but he is actually alone. If you know what I mean.

No one should put the blame and judgement to them. They love each other, they're both adult, legal age, maybe irresponsible at first, but the future of their life and the coming little one is what matters, nothing else. Even if they decide to not enter marriage, that should none of anyone's concern. They've proven that they love each other and try their ass off to be a dedicated parents for the unborn child. For me, that's enough, as long as they keep doing what's best for the little one that'll see the world in less than few months.

Go to hell for those hypocrite, arrogant and selfish jerks. Just do us a favor, pack your butt and sod off.

Let's open our minds to evolve and produce.

Luv,
-onk-