confession of a broken mind #1

Dear Luv,

I was just celebrating my 27th birthday last May 26. I celebrated it with 3 bars of dark chocolate and a bottle of Cointreau. Yes, you read it well, Cointreau. Awesome, isn’t? I sipped it with some folks here.

But then, the Cointreau made me think about something that is bothering my life these days. So I wanna make a confession of what’s going on in my mind:
1. Feel like I wanna let my sunshine go
2. Feel like I fall in love with someone much older
Oh yes, you read it correctly.

So yesterday morning I called my sunshine to ask about our relationship, and it was not going as I expected. He was so sweet, damn nice. How could I break his mood then?

I spend observing the new guy then these days. Is he the one? If I'm pretty sure that my sunshine is not the one, then why I kinda have the feeling that this new guy is the one? Or it's just another lots like love? Will I hear the click sound this time?

OMG if yes. This new guy is about 10 years older than me. He is not that handsome or as cute as my sunshine. He is not as smart as I expected, smarter than my sunshine though. He is modest. He is so usual and ordinary. Yet I am amazed by his charm. I saw him differently. I saw silliness behind his silence and cold manner, his childhood side, which then I adore.

Do I have the guts to continue this feeling or simply enjoy and kill it?
I'm not worry about my sunshine, for we can't save our love, or maybe we have no love after all. We don't walk the path better nor together. And maybe it's about the time to give in. I don't feel sorry, I have nothing to regret. Everything is just beautiful as it is.


What do you think, Luv? What should I do?
luv,
-onk-

old memories... happy birthday to me!

Dear Luv,

It's May 25 and tomorrow will be my birthday. Well yes, am still in Nias instead of back home as what I've planned. But hey, maybe there'll be something good of being here on my birthday.

I wrote a reflection poem last three years, or it was last two years? oh well, here's the piece:

Sahabatku,

Pagi ini dku bangun dan menangis. Sungguh awal yang buruk untuk sebuah hari ulang tahun.
Tapi demi waktu yang berlalu dan kisah-kisah yang telah lewat, kesedihan pun hadir.
Album foto yang usang menyimpan sedikit saja kenangan,kesedihan untuk yang terlupakan dan kan hilang
Kesedihan untuk wajah-wajah lama dan akrab namun pelahan memudar.
Pita-pita kaset rekaman suara masa lalu mulai bernada sumbang... kesedihan untuk yang tak lagi terdengar
Kesedihan untuk tawa ceria dan sumpah serapah yang tak sempat terekam.
Mawar merah kado dari masa lalu di sudut meja kamar telah kaku menghitam... kesedihan untuk hutang lama yang beku di dasar hati
Kesedihan untuk setiap kata-kata yang tak sempat terucap
Kesedihan untuk setiap perbuatan yang tak kunjung dilakukan
... dan kini semua telah terlambat.
Kesedihan untuk penyesalan yang sia-sia
Kesedihan untuk setiap momen ganjil yang pernah terjadi namun tak sempat menangkap maknanya

Pagi ini aku menyadari bahwa pada akhirnya jiwa kanak-kanak itu pun akan semakin tak tersentuh.
Harga yang mahal untuk kedewasaan yang bagiku semu.
Karena aku memang tak pernah mau dewasa.
Namun karena kalian, aku belajar...
Bersama kalian, aku belajar tentang dunia asing ini dan hal-hal ajaib yang menyertainya

Kekonyolan demi kekonyolan yang kulakukan bersama kalian mungkin akan terlupa, namun keceriaanku ini berawal dari sana
Perih luka yang kubuat bersama kalian mungkin telah sembuh, namun bekasnya masih melekat di tubuh dan jiwaku
Segala nasehat kalian mungkin tidak semua kuingat, namun tanpanya aku takkan jadi seperti ini
Banyaknya pertentangan dan perdebatan dengan kalian pastilah menyakitkan, namun dengan itu aku belajar menjadi berani
Kesalahan demi kesalahan tentu saja menjengkelkan, namun dari situ aku belajar untuk minta maaf
Kebodohan dan ketololan buatku jujur, memang aku tidak sempurna dan masih harus terus belajar dan berkembang
... bersama kalian kah? Mungkin tidak. Karena suatu saat pun kalian akan berlalu. Namun jika masih ada kesempatan, maka bolehlah rajutan ini diteruskan, sampai bola benang yang terakhir.

Pada hari ini...
Ketika ucapan dan peluk hangat telah kuterima, aku pun tersenyum.
Menyadari bahwa semua harus terjadi.
Yang hilang takkan tergantikan dan yang datang tak mungkin menggantikan
Begitupun kebahagiaan memiliki kalian, takkan menggantikan kesedihan kehilangan mereka
Dan kesedihan tiadanya mereka takkan bisa mengusik kebahagiaan adanya kalian
Setiap hal memiliki peran
Setiap momen memiliki makna
Setiap detiknya memiliki arti
Membentukku disana-sini, menambahkan rasa untuk cita dan cinta
Adalah keajaiban, memiliki keduanya. (sometimes miracle just doesn't work, so I changed into: Adalah berkat, memiliki keduanya.)
Terberkatilah aku yang memiliki banyak pilar 'tuk bersandar, dan pilar-pilar itu adalah kalian.

Untuk semua sahabat hidupku, terima kasih atas 24 tahun (hmm... it's xx years old now :D ) yang takkan bisa kulewati tanpa kalian.

Peluk sayang,
-onk-


Well I guess for the sake of old memories I put it here for you. Will I spend another year in my life to love you still?

luv,
-onk-

re-thinking about Bangkok: it's not just another-big-city anymore :)

Dear Luv,

It's been a while, isn't? Oh well, I am missing you, but hey, I'll over it.

I was just thinkin' about Bangkok as Lindo texted me to announce her safely arrival in Jogja after a week in that 'another-big-city'. She told me of leaving someone in Bangkok. Beth once told me she left the smile of being flattered by a stranger there, but she brought the memory back home. Me? I was dragged out of the dorm with my running nose to streets of Bangkok by Stephane, a playful handsome French, just to left me with the crowd in Siam Square. I didn't complaint, it was him who made me seen the real Bangkok instead of a poor view from the balcony of my room in 4th floor.

You know, Bangkok is lovely actually, well yeah, for me it's just another big city until this afternoon, but tonight, on my second thought, despite my cold when I was there, I enjoyed the sadly romantic nuance, to be honest. Sadly yes, because neither you or him were there. period.

As I was walking down the streets of Silom, browsing stuffs in Suan Lum, joining the crowd in Siam Square or tasting local foods sold by vendors along the streets or in a open-air food court, I felt I was a bohemian. The freedom of walking in such warm nights, wearing clothes that represents of who you are and nobody would protest it, kissing the air of... I don't know, sinfully delightful living art? I am talking about its fashion, hair cut, foods, people, streets, subway, skytrain, malls, language, religion, prostitute... and many more, blend in one place. And I just realize, Bangkok is not just another-big-city anymore.


... and as the memory of Victory Monument's dazzling display that I viewed from the skytrain windows returns, I'm dreaming of us walking down the streets of Bangkok...

luv,
-onk-


ps: I should have taken photos of Bangkok. I didn't because of that damn cold kicked away my mood. Crap! Oh don't you dare to laugh.